Out Of The Ashes
by Willara4ever
Summary: An AU story. No vamps, demons, or hellmouths. When life and death interferes in the lives of a group of friends, trust and bonds crumble and friendships end. But out of the ashes something new and stronger always rises. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the BtVS characters. They all belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Warning: Character Death.
1. Prologue: Friends Forever?

**Prologue: Friends Forever?**

Life is so much easier for a child. Disappointment, doubt, and distrust hardly has a chance to take over your mind. Pain and hurt are just words to describe a skinned knee or a small scratch. And love comes so much easier than hate.

For four young friends, this was true. Willow Rosenberg, Alexander Harris, Jesse McNally, and Tara Maclay all believed they'd be friends forever. None of them thought that life could interfere with their friendship or that death could come between it.

As the years passed, they're belief in the strength of their friendships became stronger. They stayed friends for years, throughout middle school, and even into high school. In 9th grade, Tara and Jesse began dating, but broke up the summer before sophomore years for reasons unknown to the rest of the world. Though their relationship ended, their friendship became stronger. Willow and Tara remained best friends, having grown up next door to each other and not remembering life before they had one another. Xander and Jesse were the same way.

The summer before freshmen year, Willow admitted to Tara that she liked Xander. At the beginning of sophomore year, Xander told Jesse he was interested in Tara and asked if he would be offended if Xander attempted to win her over.

Even with all this going on, their friendship remained strong. So strong that when a new member joined, they accepted her without problem. Buffy Summers was one of the people who could be popular if she wanted. She was pretty and transfered from Hemery High in Los Angeles which was big thing to Cordelia Chase, the local popular girl. Buffy was also a former cheerleader. So it didn't make sense that she'd want to go from top dog to lowly loser. At least not to Tara.

With Buffy in the group, the friends were curious about where their lives would take them next. Little did they know life would become more interesting.

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**A/N: Thank you Gimpy72 for reading it over. I appreciate all of your help. **

**A/N2: This is a short opening. It's pretty much just establishing the relationships and friendships between the characters. Next update should be soon. It's already written. **


	2. Chapter One: Just Friends?

**Chapter One: Just Friends?**

Sitting in the Bronze waiting on the rest of their friends, Willow and Tara were joking around with one another. Tara kept asking Willow when she was going to tell Xander how she felt, but Willow refused to tell him. She was afraid it would ruin their friendship and didn't want to chance it. Especially not since she had seen the way Xander looked at Tara and Buffy.

They joked around for a few moments before an arm settled over Tara's shoulder and she turned her head to see Jesse standing behind her and Xander next to him.

"Hey guys," Tara said, smiling at them, her brown hair falling into her blue eyes.

"Hey," Willow repeated, smiling at Xander shyly before looking towards the entrance. "Where's Buffy?" She nervously tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear.

Xander shrugged. "We thought she was here. Must be running a little late."

Willow nodded, unaware of the look of jealousy that had flashed in Tara's blue eyes at the mention of Buffy. Tara liked Buffy, but she was jealous about how much time Willow would spend with her. It was almost like Willow was replacing her, and it hurt Tara to think that Willow didn't want to spend time with her anymore.

The four friends sat in silence for a few moments, unsure of what to talk about. Tara and Willow couldn't continue their conversation since Xander there, and Jesse and Xander refused to continue theirs in the presence of their lady friends.

After a few moments of silence, a familiar voice caught their attention. "Sorry, I'm late," Buffy said, rushing up. She pulled off her leather jacket and laid it on the back of Willow's chair and pulled a seat up between Willow and Tara.

"It's alright. We were just waiting on you, Buff," Willow told her, her green eyes shining as she spoke. She looked past Buffy and frowned when she saw Tara and Jesse talking silently to each other.

Buffy smiled at Willow's words and looked at the others, unaware of the conversation between Jesse and Tara. "So what are we doing tonight?"

"Well, I figured we could go boogie for a little bit, then sit down and rest when we get tired," Xander suggested, not taking his brown eyes off of his best friend and crush who were still lost in their own world. He ran a hand through his already messy brown hair, worried about what the two were talking about.

Buffy smiled, pushing her blond hair out of her face. "Sounds like a plan. Jesse? Tara? What do you think?" she asked, turning to look at the them. Surprised that Jesse was being unusually silent.

"It's fine," Jesse said, not knowing what they were talking about. Tara just nodded in response to the question.

"Alright. Lets go dance then," Buffy said, her hazel eyes shinning as she stood up and waited for the others to join her.

Willow and Xander stood up to follow her, but Tara stayed seated, looking down at her hands. Jesse frowned at Tara before looking at the others. "You guys go ahead. We'll join you later," Jesse promised, watching Tara with a worried expression.

Xander and Buffy walked off, but Willow stood there looking at Tara. "You okay, Tare?" Willow asked, walking over to her friend.

"Fine," Tara whispered, not looking at Willow.

"Tara? What's wrong?" Willow tried again, knowing something was wrong.

Tara lifted her head and forced herself to meet Willow's emerald eyes. "Nothing. Go have fun. I just don't feel like dancing right now," Tara told her, waiting to see if Willow would believe her.

Tara watched as hurt flashed in Willow's eyes and knew that Willow caught the lie but wasn't going to push. After a few seconds, Willow just nodded and walked off to join Buffy and Xander on the dance floor.

After Willow was gone, Jesse turned to look at Tara, disappointment clear in his brown eyes. "She knows your lying to her," Jesse pointed out, frowning at her.

"I know," Tara whispered, still staring at the place where Willow had disappeared into the crowd for a few more minutes before turning to look at Jesse. "What am I suppose to do? Tell her that I've been lying to her cause I'm afraid to tell her I'm in l-l-love with her?" Tara asked.

"Well, I wouldn't say it like that. You should lead up to it. A nice romantic dinner, a little bit of flirting, maybe toss in a pillow fight in your underwear, then tell her," Jesse said, grateful to see a smile touch Tara's lips at Jesse's words.

"You're such a pervert," Tara accused, looking at him with a smile on her face.

"I know. You love me because of it."

"No, Xander loves you because of your perverted mind. I love you because you know how to make me smile," she said, hugging him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said hugging her back. "I love you, Tara," Jesse whispered to her.

Tara kissed his cheek lightly before standing up and walking towards the dance floor. "Coming?" she called back to him.

Jesse nodded, running a hand through his brown hair before following her to the dance floor. They found Buffy, Xander, and Willow quickly and begun to dance with them. When a slow song came on, Xander started to walk towards Tara, but Tara grabbed Jesse and the two of them begin to slow dance. Buffy had found a random guy that while they had been dancing before and was now slow dancing with him. So Xander held out a hand to Willow who accepted happily, smiling knowingly at Tara. Tara smiled back, knowing that Willow would enjoy the slow dance with Xander and looked at Jesse.

"Trying to avoid hurting Xander or Willow?" Jesse asked her softly, already knowing the answer.

"Willow. If I dance with Xander, it'd hurt her. That's why I didn't want to do that. I wouldn't have been able to turn him down, cause I hate hurting him, but I wasn't going to hurt Willow by agreeing to dance with him."

"I know," Jesse said, moving easily with her. "I think Buffy is starting to suspect something," he whispered to her, spotting Buffy watching them from across the room.

"She already knows you and I dated. Maybe she just thinks we're secretly seeing each other still?" Tara responded, not looking at Buffy.

"Maybe, but I don't think that's it," Jesse whispered, looking down at Tara.

"What do you mean?" she asked, staring up at him, her blue eyes full of confusion.

"She keeps looking back and forth between you and Willow," Jesse explained.

Tara frowned at his words, but let it go after a while. When the song ended, she released him and started to walk over to the couch where their stuff was.

As the others continued to dance, Tara sat on the couch. She put her head in her hands and let her mind wander while she tried to regain control of her emotions. As she was lost in thought a hand rested on her shoulder, causing her to jump. She lifted her head and was surprised to see Buffy kneeling in front of her.

"You okay?" Buffy asked, staring at Tara in confusion. "You've been acting a little strange all night. Are you getting sick or something?"

"I'm fine," Tara whispered, hoping Buffy would just let her think.

"Tara, what's going on? Does this have something to do with Jesse's crush on Willow?" Buffy asked, staring at the older girl.

Tara's head shot up and she looked at Buffy. "What?" she asked, staring at her.

"I know you have a thing for Jesse. It's obvious. Are you jealous because he likes Willow?" Buffy asked again, watching Tara closely. "That's it, isn't it?"

Tara frowned and shook her head. "No," Tara said, looking at Buffy like she had grown an extra head.

"Then what's going on? You won't talk to Willow about what's bothering you. Xander had no idea why you and Jesse were whispering to each other earlier, and it's hurting both of them," Buffy pointed out, frowning at Tara.

Tara closed her eyes, not wanting to answer the question. "Nothing's wrong, Buffy," Tara repeated, getting irritated with the blond.

When Buffy didn't budge, Tara stood up. "I'm going to get some air," Tara snapped, walking out the door and into the darkened streets.

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**A/N: Thank you for everyone who reviewed/followed/favorited the story. A little warning though: The next few chapters after this are going to be really dark and sad. You'll see a little of it next chapter. Thank you Gimpy72 for always helping out. I appreciate all the help. **


	3. Chapter Two: Goodbye Kiss

**WARNING: ****This chapter is going to be really dark. The next few chapters are going to make the story seem very sad. Please do not read if you can't handle death/depression. If you want me to send you a message when the story goes to a happier setting, let me know through PM and I'll message you back after the dark period is over in the story. **

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**Chapter Two: Goodbye Kiss**

Walking around outside, Tara tried to calm down. She hated that her feelings for Willow constantly interfered in the few nights she was still able to see her best friend. The things she felt for the shy redhead made it hard for Tara. She sometimes wondered if her feelings fell at her feet every time Willow looked at her.

Now here Tara was outside, trying to regain control of her emotions while Willow was inside dancing and having fun with her new best friend. Tara frowned at her thoughts and kicked a can across the alley, her anger only rising as she thought of how close Buffy and Willow had become.

Tara closed her blue eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm her temper. She knew Willow wasn't replacing her, but part of her wouldn't believe it. As she tried to calm herself down, the sound of the Bronze door opening caught her attention, and Tara turned to see Willow and Jesse walking out towards her.

"You okay?" Willow asked, walking over to Tara and taking her friend's hand in hers.

"Fine," Tara said, stepping away from Willow while pulling her hand away and walking further down the alley, not trusting her temper around the redhead.

"Tara?" Willow whispered, starting to follow her.

"Will," Jesse said, grabbing Willow's arm. "I'll go talk to her. You go on back inside."

Willow frowned after Tara, not turning to look at Jesse.

"Will?" Jesse tried agian, looking at her. "I'll take care of her," he promised, waiting for Willow to react.

Willow nodded, turning to him. "Okay," she whispered, knowing Tara wasn't going to talk to her. After a few more minutes of watching Tara walk away, Willow finally turned and walked back into the Bronze, leaving Jesse alone to go after Tara.

Tara walked away from the Bronze, anger and pain mixing to control her thoughts. "Tara!" a voice called out, causing her to increase her pace subconsciously.

"Tara, wait!" the voice called again, finally registering to Tara's confused mind. She stopped and turned to see Jesse rushing after her.

"Sorry," she muttered, looking away from him as he caught up to her.

"You okay?" he asked, touching his friend's arm.

"No. I keep letting her get to me, Jesse. Every time she touches me, I feel like I'm going to pull her into my arms and kiss her. When she smiles at me, I have to stop myself from holding my breath until I pass out. Don't get me started on what happens when she looks into my eyes," Tara said, her anger and confusion causing her to pace back and forth. "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending I don't love her as more than a friend."

"Just talk to her, Tara. You've been best friends longer than you've been in love with her. Talk to her. She'll understand," he told her, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"I can't. I won't risk our friendship, Jesse. If I tell Willow I'm in l-love with h-her, either she'll panic or she'll feel bad for me and politely tell me she loves me but isn't in l-love with me," Tara whispered, rubbing a hand over her face. "Either way, I get hurt."

"You don't know that. She could be just as in love with you and is afraid of how you'll act," he pointed out to her.

"Have you seen the way she looks at Xander?" Tara asked, looking at him in disbelief.

"Yeah. I have," he replied, hating that Tara was right.

As the two friends stood there in silence, Tara heard footsteps approaching them from behind her and turned her head to see someone in a large black hoodie and dark jeans walking towards them. She started to move out of their path when the person pulled a gun out and pointed it at the two of them.

"Give me all your money," a muffled voice demanded, causing Tara to stiffen as the mugger lifted his/her face to show a ski mask with a skeleton on it.

Jesse and Tara eased their hands up. Jesse slowly reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet, while moving calmly in front of Tara, getting between her and the mugger.

"We don't want any trouble," Jesse told the person, cautiously holding out his wallet to the masked person.

As soon as the person took the wallet from Jesse, the gun came up again aiming at Tara. "Give me you're money," the voice demanded again, keeping cold blue eyes locked on Tara's.

"I-I-I..." Tara stuttered out, unable to form a sentence.

Taking a step forward, Jesse tried to help Tara out. "Look, man, she doesn't have any..." before Jesse could finish his sentence, a gunshot rang out causing Tara to jerk in surprise.

"Shit," the voice said, rushing off with Jesse's wallet, leaving the two alone in the ally.

"J-J-Jesse?" Tara whispered, looking down at herself to ensure she wasn't hurt.

"Tara..." Jesse's voice croaked out as he crumbled to the ground.

"Jesse!"

Tara fell to Jesse's side, covering the bleeding wound with her hands. "S-somebody help!" she cried out, hoping someone would hear her and do something to help her save her friend. "Please help!" she begged, crying as she looked down into Jesse's soft brown eyes. "D-don't d-d-die," she whispered to him.

Jesse reached up slowly, his hands shaking as he covered her hands with his. "Tara," he coughed out, trying to calm her down.

"Shhh," Tara whispered, looking at her friend with tears in her eyes.

"Tara...you need to...you need to...tell...you need to tell...her," he forced out, wanting her to understand.

Tara just nodded, looking over her shoulder as the back door to the Bronze opened and someone walked out. As soon as the person spotted them, they rushed to Tara's side. "What happened?" the woman asked, kneeling next to Tara.

"M-mugger. Call an ambulance. P-please," Tara whispered, trying to slow the bleeding. "Stay with me, Jesse. Please s-stay with me," she begged, grateful to see the unknown woman calling for an ambulance.

"Tara," Jesse said softly, reaching up to touch her tear stained cheeks. "I love you," he admitted, giving her a weak smile.

Tara's breath came out in a sob, as she rested her head on her hands, covering up the wounds. "I-I know," she sobbed out, lifting her head once more to look into his fading brown eyes. Slowly, Tara leaned down and pressed her lips to his in a soft goodbye kiss.

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**A/N: Thank you to everyone who is still currently reading the story after my warning. The next few chapters aren't going to get any better. So be warned. Special thanks to Gimpy72 for helping me with my stories. **


	4. Chapter Three: I'm Sorry

**Chapter Three: "I'm Sorry"**

Buffy, Xander, and Willow all exited the Bronze feeling confused and partially annoyed. Tara and Jesse hadn't returned since Jesse had offered to check on Tara. It had left Willow worried, Xander confused, and Buffy annoyed. She knew she didn't know Tara and Jesse well, but she was starting to suspect something about the two friends.

As they walked outside, the were surprised to see the ambulance at the back of the ally. They could see the cops talking to someone, but the person was hidden behind there tall frame. Willow was saddened by the sight of a body bag being placed into the back of the ambulance.

"What happened?" Xander asked, looking at Willow and Buffy.

"I don't know," Buffy said, walking towards the crime and causing Xander and Willow to exchange a confused look before following her into the crowded ally.

"Donny!" Xander called out, seeing Tara's older brother among the other police officers on the scene.

Donny's head came up as he looked around. When his blue eyes locked on the three friends he made his way over to them. Willow was surprised to see Donny's normally well kempt brown hair looked messy as though he ran his hands through it repeatedly.

"What's going on?" Xander asked when Donny stopped before them.

"A mugger shot and killed someone," Donny explained briefly, looking around the scene.

"Who?" Buffy asked, looking at him in surprise.

"I don't know. I showed up a couple of minutes ago. They requested for me and Dad to come because they said it's important. No one told us anything else," he said, looking confused.

"Oh god," Willow whispered, her eyes widening in horror. "Tara," she whispered, her voice breaking as she said the name.

"I'm sure Tara's fine," Buffy told Willow, looking at her friend. "Jesse probably just took her home."

"And left her purse at the Bronze?" Xander asked, looking at Buffy in disbelief.

Donny frowned as he looked at them. "It'd make sense, but the person who was killed was a sixteen year old Caucasian male."

"Jesse..." Willow started but Xander covered her mouth.

"Don't say it, Will. Don't even think it. I'm sure their both fine," Xander said, frowning as he realized Willow could be right. "Here. We'll call them." Xander slowly pulled his phone from his pocket, dialing Jesse's number.

As Xander listened to the phone connect and start ringing on his end, Willow and Buffy looked up at the sound of the very familiar ring tone coming from the distance. They quickly followed the sound, leaving Donny standing there trying to find out more information. "Xand," Buffy whispered sadly, pointing in the direction of the ringing phone.

"It doesn't mean nothing," Xander said desperately, ignoring Buffy's words.

"Tara?" Willow whispered, seeing the brunette's hunched form as the crowd parted some. Willow took in the sight of the girl and frowned at the blood on her hands. "Oh god, Tara," Willow whispered, rushing forward to her friend.

As Willow came to the brunette's side, she saw the tears slowly sliding down Tara's face and the empty eyes staring into nothingness. "Tara?" Willow whispered, surprised by what she was seeing.

When Tara didn't respond, Willow reached out to touch her, but stopped when a sob escaped Tara's throat. Willow stared at her friend as Xander and Buffy made their way over to Willow's side.

"Tara, is Jesse...?" Xander started to ask but stopped when Tara's empty eyes lifted to his. "Is he...?"

Willow looked at him and then back down at Tara, surprised to see Jesse's phone beside her. "Xand," Willow whispered, pointing to the phone.

"No..." Xander said, his eyes filling with tears.

"Tara!" a voice called out, causing everyone to turn their heads and watch as Chief Maclay rushed towards his daughter, who was sitting and staring blankly at Xander. "Tara?" he whispered, pulling his broken daughter in his arms.

His pale blue eyes were full of unshed tears as he held his daughter for a few moments in silence before looking at the three teenagers in standing near her. "What happened?" he asked, his voice full of authority.

"We don't know. We were inside. Tara said she needed air and came out. Jesse and I came out to check on her, but she was upset with me for some reason. Jesse stayed out to talk with her and sent me back inside," Willow explained, trying to keep her nervous babble under control as she explained to the Chief of Police, who was also Tara's father.

"Tara?" her father said softly, looking down at her daughter. "What happened?" When Tara didn't respond, he gently knelt down in front of her, looking into her eyes. "Tara?"

"Daddy?" Tara whispered, her voice broken and confused.

"Baby, what happened?" he asked, softly once more, running a hand through his thinning gray hair.

"Jesse's dead," she told him, looking down at the blood on her hands. "Daddy...Jesse's dead."

Xander, Buffy and Willow all looked at Tara for a few moments in silence until Xander broke it. "No. No, he can't be," Xander said, looking at her. "Tara, he can't be dead."

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, Daddy," Tara cried, before leaning forward and breaking down curling in on herself as she felt her whole body break. Constantly repeating "I'm sorry" to no one in particular.

Chief Maclay looked at the three friends as he pulled his daughter to them. "Find Donny and tell him to call his mother. Tara needs her right now," he told them, watching as Buffy and Xander disappeared. "Willow, she needs some time away from her friends," he explained, watching the redhead.

Willow nodded and walked off, going to help her friends find Tara's brother.

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**A/N: Don't hate me for this chapter. Writing a sad Tara was hard for me too. I understand why Joss Whedon likes to make his characters sad though. It's more interesting to write. Thanks to Gimpy72 for all the help with this story. Enjoy the depressing chapters still to come. **


	5. Chapter Four: Funeral Sadness

**Chapter Four: Funeral Sadness**

Willow was worried. Not only had she not seen Tara since that day at the Bronze when Jesse was shot and killed less than a week, but every time she went to Tara's home to check on her, her family would send her away telling her that Tara was asleep or wasn't feeling well or some other lame excuse. When Willow brought this up to Xander, he told her that the same thing happened to him when he'd go by Tara's.

Now with Jesse's funeral tomorrow, Willow was growing more and more worried about her best friend. She knew Tara loved Jesse and was hurting from watching him die, but she couldn't do anything to help. Hoping Tara would be at the funeral, Willow walked to Tara's house once more, wanting to see if Tara would see her now.

She knocked on the door and waited patiently for someone to open it. When the door finally opened, Willow frowned slightly at the sight of Laura Maclay standing in the doorway. "Willow, dear, can I help you?" she asked.

"Is Tara here?" Willow said, looking at Mrs. Maclay.

"I'm sorry, Dear, she just laid down to take a nap. Is there something you need me to tell her?" Mrs. Maclay asked.

"I just wanted to know if she was okay and if she's coming to the funeral tomorrow?" Willow admitted, frowning.

"She's going to be okay, and she'll be there," Mrs Maclay said, giving her a soft smile. "Is that all, Sweetie?"

"Yes Ma'am. That's all. Thank you," Willow said, walking off as Mrs. Maclay closed the door.

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At the funeral the next day, Willow was sitting in a front pew of the the church, looking at the casket before her. She had avoided going to the viewing, knowing she wouldn't be able to stand seeing Jesse's body in a casket.

As she stared at the front of the church, Willow wondered where Tara was, wanting to see her friend and make sure she was doing okay. She kept glancing back, watching for Tara to enter, but disappointed everytime.

A few minutes before the funeral began, Tara slipped in and sat down in the back, wanting to be as far from the casket of her friend as possible. She noticed Willow looking back at her, watching her with worry and confusion in her green eyes, but Tara still wasn't ready to face her best friend. Closing her own blue eyes, Tara felt the tears slip down her cheeks as she heard the preacher talk about Jesse. She could see Jesse's parents sitting in the front pew and the pain on their faces. It hurt her, knowing that she was the reason their son was dead. She was the one that was meant to take that bullet.

Putting her head in her hands as she silently sobbed, Tara felt grateful when the funeral ended and rushed from the church, needing to get away, to escape everyone around her.

Running out to her car, Tara quickly drove away before anyone could come talk to her, not wanting to hear people ask her how she was doing. She didn't want Willow to walk over and check on her. She was sick of hearing that question. Her family had asked her enough times since Jesse's death.

She also didn't want to watch them bury her friend. She couldn't handle watching that coffin lower to the ground. It'd destroy her. Pulling down the road to her home, Tara quickly parked the car and headed out to the stables, needing to see her horse and go for a ride.

After putting the saddle on her horse's back, Tara walked her out of the stables before climbing on her back and galloping off. She rode for a while, unaware of how many hours had passed nor caring. Noticing that it was dark out, Tara walked her horse back to the farm and into the stables. After cooling the horse down, Tara quickly brushed her and put her back in her stall.

She slowly made her way to the house, not surprised to see her mother and father pacing back and forth in front of the door. "Tara, where have you been?" her father demanded, going from worry to anger at the sight of her daughter.

"Sorry. I needed to escape so I went for a ride," Tara explained, bowing her head in shame. "I lost track of time."

"We're just glad you're alright," her mother said, pulling Tara into a tight hug and holding her daughter. "We were worried."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you," Tara told them, feeling guilty for scaring her parents.

"It's alright, Baby-girl," her mother whispered, running her fingers through Tara's long brown hair as she comforted her daughter. "You're safe. Everything's fine."

"You're mother's right. We're just glad you're alright," her father said, walking over to rest his hands on Tara's shoulder. "I love you, my angel," he said, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you, Daddy," Tara responded, but didn't pull away from her mother's comforting hug. "I love you, Mama."

"I love you, my baby," Laura Maclay said, pulling back from her daughter and placing a kiss on her forehead.

The three stood there together in silence, grateful that they all had more time to spend with each other. Since Jesse's death, Tara's parents had panicked, realizing they'd very nearly lost their daughter. After the realization, they spent every chance reminding both Tara and Donnie that they loved them.

"I'm gonna go to bed," Tara whispered, hugging both of her parents before walking up to her room.

"Hey Tara," a voice said, catching Tara's attention.

"Donnie, I thought you were asleep?"

"I was worried about you," he admitted, walking over to his little sister. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Just needed to go for a ride and clear my head," Tara told him, giving her brother, a weak smile.

"I love you, Tare," Donny said, pulling his little sister into a tight hug.

"I love you, too, Donny."

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**A/N: Thank you Gimpy for reading and being a beta for this. Also this chapter isn't as sad as the two before and the others that are yet to come. I might give you a brief break from sadness before I make the story even worse, but it depends on if I can think of how to do that without messing with my original plan. **


	6. Chapter Five: Can't Let Go

**Chapter Five: Can't Let Go**

A few weeks had passed since Jesse's funeral, and Tara had yet to return to school. Willow, Xander, and Buffy were all worried about the brunette. They hadn't seen her anywhere except for briefly at the funeral, and Willow didn't want her friend to suffer alone.

Since Jesse's funeral, every thing has changed. A new girl had arrived at the school and joined their group of outcasts. She stayed with the group for about two days before she decided they weren't cool enough for her and went off alone. Willow and Buffy became closer friends, turning to each other in comfort. Xander started dating Cordelia Chase, the popular girl.

A couple of days after Willow caught Xander and Cordelia kissing, Tara showed up at school to find her friends weren't as close as they once were. She was distant still, not talking to anyone. Willow was surprised to see her friend after so many weeks, but was grateful that she was back in school.

As Willow walked across the crowded hall towards her oldest friend, she smiled at the sight of Tara at her locker. "Tara, hey," Willow said, wrapping her arms around her friend before Tara could react to Willow's voice.

"Willow?" Tara whispered, pulling back from her friend in confusion.

"How are you? I haven't seen you," Willow asked, confusion and fear in her voice.

"Okay. Did you need something?" Tara wondered, frowning at her.

"No. I just wanted to talk. We haven't talked in weeks, Tare," Willow reminded her, confused by her friend's actions.

"Can we talk later? I have to get to class."

"Umm...yeah, sure. Whatever," Willow whispered, hurt clear in her voice as she stepped back from her best friend.

"We'll talk later," Tara promised before rushing off.

"Yeah, sure," Willow muttered, knowing Tara didn't hear her.

Turning, Willow walked off, heading towards her own class with her mind on her friend's strange behavior.

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Sitting in the back of the classroom, Tara watched everyone in class whispering to one another. She knew they were talking about her. Every time they'd start laughing they'd glance at her and then say something else.

She tried to ignore them, tried to drown them out, but it wasn't working. She swore she heard them say Jesse's name, but wanted to believe she was wrong. She wanted to believe they weren't talking about his death, about her part in his death.

After a few moments of listening to their laughter, Tara started packing her stuff up, wanting to leave, but stopping when the teacher walked in. With graying hair and soft blue eyes, Rupert Giles was the teacher that girls wanted to see when they came into the class. In his youth, he was the fantasy of many.

"Alright, class, settle down," Giles said, walking up to his desk and turning to face his students. "It's good to see all you're smiling faces, however, it's time to take attendance."

The sounds of groaning at Giles's words were soon replaced as everyone acknowledged their presence in one way or another. When Tara's name was called, he nearly marked down her absence when her soft voice caught his attention, causing him to look up at her in surprise.

"Welcome back, Miss Maclay," Giles told her, smiling softly at the girl.

"Thank you," Tara muttered, looking down at her desk as a few people turned to face her.

As Giles finished reading off the names, Tara lost herself in her thoughts, allowing herself to remember the name that should be on that list, but no longer was. With her thoughts going back to that day outside the Bronze, Tara couldn't help the tears falling down her face. She missed Jesse, and part of her knew that if she hadn't of run out, then he wouldn't have been shot.

"It's all my fault," she whispered, not noticing everyone turning to her at her statement.

"Excuse me?" Giles said, staring at Tara in confusion.

"It's all my fault," Tara repeated, not looking at anyone.

"Miss Maclay..."

Before Giles could finish his sentence, Tara rushed from the room, not bothering to grab her things on the way out. Pushing through the door, Tara ran down the hall, not seeing where she was going or even caring until she collided with someone and fell to the ground.

"I'm sorry," Tara whispered, not bothering to look up at them.

"Whatever," the voice said.

"Are you alright?" Tara asked, finally looking up into cold brown eyes.

"Five by five," Faith responded, glaring at the brunette before her.

"I'm sorry," Tara repeated, looking away from the girl in front of her and turning her body so she could lean back against the lockers at her side.

"What's your name?" Faith questioned, glaring at the girl.

"Tara. Tara Maclay," Tara told her, her voice filled with sadness.

"You alright?" Faith asked, worry beginning to fill her brown eyes as she took in the tears and broken look on the face of the girl before her.

"Fine," Tara whispered, not looking at the brunette.

"Don't lie to me. Are you alright?" Faith asked again, watching the brunette closely.

"I don't know. I don't know anymore," Tara said, lifting her eyes to the brown ones before her. "It should have been me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I should have been the one who died," Tara told her, not looking away from the concerned brown eyes before her.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you Gimpy72 for reading and helping with this. **


	7. Chapter Six: Pain and Guilt

**Chapter Six: Pain and Guilt**

Walking from her class, Willow was looking everywhere for her best friend. She wanted to see Tara and talk about her concerns. She was worried about Tara, since Jesse's death, Willow had shut off her own emotions, afraid to let them out because she knew Tara might need her. She knew if she let herself feel the pain and hurt from losing her friend, she may not be able to help Tara overcome her own grief and guilt.

Seeing Tara across the hall, Willow started to walk towards her but stopped at the sight of Faith. Faith was kneeling before Tara talking to her in a low voice as tears fell from the blue eyes. "Tara?" Willow whispered softly before rushing towards her friend. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Willow snapped, pushing Faith away from Tara and standing between the two brunettes.

"What?" Faith asked, confused by the redhead's sudden burst of temper.

"If you think I'm going to stand by and let you hurt you, you're out of your mind," Willow told her, not seeing the look of utter confusion gracing Faith's features.

"Willow?" Tara whispered, trying to get Willow's attention.

"I didn't do anything!" Faith snapped, standing up and stepping towards Willow in anger.

"Right. So Tara was crying for no reason," Willow scoffed, glaring at the brunette before her.

"I don't know why she was crying. I was trying to get through to her when you came over here acting all big and bad. Well guess what, Red. You're not big and bad," Faith told her, pushing Willow back a few steps.

"Willow," Tara tried again, feeling uncomfortable with the anger surrounding her.

"You're nothing, Faith," Willow snapped, not moving towards the angry brunette anymore. "You think you're bad because you attack those smaller or weaker than you."

"Watch it, Red," Faith warned, her voice going dangerously low.

"Willow," Tara said a little louder this time, finally catching the redhead's attention.

"Tara, are you okay?" Willow asked, kneeling before the brunette still huddled on the floor.

"She didn't do anything," Tara whispered, looking away from Willow's concerned green eyes to the hands in her lap.

"What are you talking about?" Willow said, feeling confused.

"She wasn't the reason I was crying. She was trying to help me," Tara told her, lifting her tear-filled blue eyes to meet the familiar Emerald ones.

Willow took in Tara's words and nodded, before turning to apologize to Faith, realizing too late that the brunette had walked off. "I'll apologize to her later," Willow promised before standing up and holding out her hand for Tara to take. "Do you want to go home or to your next class?"

"Will you take me to the nurse? I'll call my mom and ask her to come get me," Tara whispered, not sure she could stay in Willow's company that long.

"Tara, I don't mind taking you home. I'm already ahead in all my classes. I can give you a ride," Willow told her, frowning at her friend.

"Okay," Tara said softly, bowing her head so her face was hidden behind her hair.

As they walked to the car in silence, Willow frowned as she realized how distant Tara had become. It was difficult for her to watch her friend push her away, especially with everything going on between herself and Xander, and Jesse's death. Willow wasn't ready to lose another friend.

"Tara?" Willow muttered, not wanting to startle the girl next to her.

"Yes?" Tara whispered, turning her head to look at her friend.

"Did I do something?"

"What?" Tara asked, confused by Willow's words.

"Since Jesse's death...it seems like everything has been going wrong. You won't talk to me. Xander and I have been fighting a lot." Willow paused for a few moments before looking at Tara. "Did I...did I do something?"

Tara frowned as she looked at Willow. "No. Willow, why would you think that?" Tara wondered, feeling heart broken at all she had caused her friend.

Willow just shrugged as she unlocked her car and slid in, not saying a word in response.

* * *

Most of the drive to Tara's house was quiet, neither wanting to speak for fear of upsetting the other. It wasn't until they were about half way there that Willow decided to try to break the silence.

"Tara?"

"Willow," Tara said softly, turning to face her friend.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes," Tara whispered, keeping her blue eyes on Willow as she waited curiously for Willow's question.

"Why were you crying earlier?" Willow asked, turning her head to Tara for a second before looking back at the road.

Tara didn't answer for a few seconds. She just turned to look out the window in silence before finally admitting the truth to Willow. "I was thinking about Jesse's death. My part in it."

Willow frowned and turned her head to Tara once more before looking back at the road. "Tara, it wasn't your fault. The man or woman who pulled the trigger and shot Jesse was responsible for his death, not you."

"I'm just as responsible, Willow. If I didn't gone outside, if I would have just went to the restroom instead, Jesse would still be alive. It's my fault he's dead," Tara whispered, avoiding looking at Willow.

As they pulled up in front of Tara's house, Willow turned of the car and turned the the brunette as she was opening the car door to get out. "Tara?"

Tara stopped her movements, but didn't turn back, not ready to look at Willow.

"It wasn't you're fault," Willow told her again.

Tara just gave a brief nod, not believing her friend, before quickly heading inside, leaving Willow sitting there with tears in her eyes as she allowed herself for the first time to cry for her friends.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you Gimpy72 for helping me get out of my writer's block and being my beta. **


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